WRITERS NOTE – This review contains spoilers because, frankly, if you’re a wrestling fan reading this in November and don’t know what happened at Wrestlemania in April then I have nothing but brutal contempt for you.
They say “All good things must come to an end”.
I’m not really sure who ‘they’ are, but apparently it’s a popular phrase with those people.
I wonder if their second favourite phrase is “Some good things that you wanted to end in the most gloriously beautiful way actually just trickle out like the piss of an elderly labrador.”
Probably not. Bit wordsy.
But perhaps it should be, especially if ‘they’ have witnessed the Undertaker vs Brock Lesnar match from Wrestlemania 30. For you see this should have been one for the ages, the conquering of The Streak. The end of The Dead Man. The Wrestlemania Moment To Top All Wrestlemania Moments.
Instead what we got was a slow, tedious, lumbering lump of a match that is miles below both great men. There’s talk that Taker picked up a concussion during the match, which of course would’ve been one hell of a tricky thing to carry around whilst trying to put on the biggest match of your career. But, even if that were the case, Lesnar performs so far below what he is capable of that you’d think it was just a house show. This can’t have been the first time that he’s had to ‘carry’ a match due to an unexpected injury so you’d think he’d be able to salvage something more, given the magnitude of the occasion. But nope.
The worst thing I can say about this match is that it’s genuinely golf-discussingly boring. The only moment of real emotion is when Lesnar actually pins Taker and we are treated to numerous hilarious close ups of the crowd’s reactions. My particular favourite is the guy who drags his hands down his face revealing the kind of pained expression usually reserved for someone whose one true love has left them for their mortal enemy. Maybe, in some strange way, this is what has happened. In the interests of still trying to find value in humanity, let’s hope not though eh.
At this point I would like to make something very clear – despite what I have written above, Wrestlemania 30 is fucking brilliant. Because, for as bad as the Taker/Lesnar match is, we are also treated to some of my favourite Wrestlemania moments in recent history.
The show opens with ‘host’ Hulk Hogan coming out to the ring and cutting a promo in front of 80,000 fans and millions watching live around the world in which he repeatedly gets the stadium name wrong. Nice one. But it doesn’t matter because the moment Stone Cold Steve Austin‘s music hits, the place erupts and everyone forgets Hogan’s bumbling and focuses on hanging off Austin’s every word. Everyone is on cloud nine. Until The Rock‘s music hits and 80,000 people make the kind of noise that goes beyond excitement and verges on ‘dangerously overwhelmed’. Grown men are jumping up and down and hugging. I am one of them. Shut up. I love wrestling.
At this point, the three biggest names in the history of wrestling could just stand around discussing grouting techniques for all the crowd care. Luckily, they instead choose to hand the mic to The Rock who, in about two minutes flat, sells the entire event, the entire WWE roster and even suggests that the ‘excitement’ of Wrestlemania is responsible for the amount of babies born nine months after. The notion that there are many wrestling fans getting laid is adorable.
As far as the matches go, the event opens with an absolute stormer as Triple H – whose intro is like a cross between an episode of Rome and a Lady GaGa video- takes on fan favourite Daniel Bryan for a chance to join the main event title match later that night against Randy Orton and ‘Wavey Davey’ Batista. HHH plays the ruthless boss role to perfection, determined to not only beat Bryan but to make sure he knows he doesn’t belong with the big boys. Bryan’s story is the classic underdog story and I don’t think there is a single person in the Superdome that night that wasn’t right behind him.
Another key moment of the night is the match between John Cena and Bray Wyatt. The lead up to this match was incredible, Wyatt cutting some of the most maniacal and deranged promos of recent times and trying to go beyond the idea of merely beating John Cena in a wrestling match. His angle seemed to be that winning or losing wasn’t his concern, what he really wanted was to release the ‘demons’ inside Cena and change his path forever. Which is lucky because Cena wins. As usual, the IWC (or ‘internet wrestling community’) whined and whined that “yet again” it was a case of “Cena burying talent”. An argument that falls down pretty quickly when you point out that it was Cena that was pretty heavily involved in major titles landing around the waists of guys like CM Punk and Daniel Bryan. Also the fact that Wyatt lost doesn’t harm him in the slightest. His is a character that is supposed to be outside the normal world, a man more concerned with causing pain and psychological torture to those he crosses than what his win/loss record looks like.
Another highlight is the Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royal. In a lot of ways it is just a chance to shoehorn in both a reference to a WWE legend on the 30th anniversary of Wrestlemania and a load of mid-card guys with nothing to do. However the match is much better than you’d expect of something featuring The Great Khali. We get some great Kofi Kingston acrobatics to avoid elimination, Fandango’s comedy dancing (boy has his stock fallen in one year), Dolph Ziggler being amazing as usual and Zack Ryder just being a little bit tragic as usual. But we also get the sheer majesty of Cesaro. This is a guy, supposedly a heel, who can outwrestle just about anyone, who picks up the near 500lb Big Show and wins the whole thing. The crowd explodes. They are absolutely behind Cesaro. So what have WWE done with him since then? Kept him as a heel and left him bobbing around the mid-card. Baffling stuff…
And so on to the main event – Orton v Batista v Daniel Bryan (see, spoilers). It is just about everything you need from a main event – again Bryan is up against it (bandaged up from his earlier match for added ‘puppy with a bad paw’ points) and in Orton and Batista he has two opponents willing to do whatever it takes to walk out with the title. The match goes back and forth, near fall after near fall and, despite your head telling you they couldn’t have Bryan not walk out of there with the title, there are so many moments where you’re forced to think that maybe he really won’t. Awesome storytelling and a beautiful example of how to work a triple threat match to perfection.
Every year Wrestlemania is hyped up to a level that, generally it cannot possibly meet and wrestling fans then spend the next six months bitching about how awful it was. But this year they genuinely managed to exceed expectation and deliver a true classic. Not only that but the Hall Of Fame ceremony – which is included in this DVD set – was emotional enough to leave even the toughest of hearts in a crumpled mess on the floor, especially given the presence of Jake The Snake Roberts and the Ultimate Warrior, who passed away just three days later, something I could sit here and write another ten paragraphs about. The wrestling world can be laughable and infuriating at times, but it can also break your heart.
So, please Vince/Hunter/Steph, more of this next year please. And maybe let Hogan write the venue name on his hand next time.
