The first Hell In The Cell match took place to ensure that DX could not interfere in the match. The reason they happen now is because at some point in the year it becomes October. PPVs built around gimmick matches irk me for that very reason – apart from Money In The Bank. MITB is consistently one of the strongest PPVs of the year and to celebrate men taking huge bumps in the name of a colourful lunchbox. WWE has put together a 3 disc collection of every Money In The Bank match presented by all around splutter cock, The Miz. I assume he mainly said, “really?” before introducing each match; to be honest I couldn’t hear him over the sound of me spitting at the screen.
The first ever Money In The Bank match has WWE’s version of Voldemort, Chris Benoit in it which I had completely forgotten and Vince & co are in no hurry to remind me – he doesn’t get an entrance and, even more confusingly, is completely edited out of the commentary. To the extent that when he does the headbutt off the ladder, which takes a bit of setting up, there is complete silence from the commentary team as if Lawlertron 3000 & JRbot have malfunctioned only to jump briefly back into life when it hits for a, “BAH GAWD! …………. ON KANE FROM THE TOP OF THE LADDER!” This whole Frankensteins monster editing took me out of the match and, from my point of view does nothing to mask Benoit. Say, for example, you didn’t know who he was, how talented he was and, ultimately, what a horrible way his life ended – surely seeing someone in the ring who is not mentioned in any facet will create interest in him?
The second match is Matt Hardy Vs. Shelton Benjamin Vs. Finlay Vs. Rob Van Dam Vs. Bobby Lashley (as played by a character from the video game BattleToads) Vs. Ric Flair. It starts off in a standard fashion – an all out brawl with some spilling to the outside to set up Shelton’s Assassin’s Creed-esque run up the ladder plancha. Shelton is to MITB what Kofi Kingston is to the Royal Rumble – they shine in these matches and, apparently, no others. However, there is one bollock shattering moment where Ric Flair takes a superplex off the top of the ladder at the ripe ol’ age of 57. Fifty. Fucking. Seven. When my Grandad was 57 he couldn’t walk the dog without grumbling about his arthritis and I sincerely doubt he ever had a 60 minute broadway with Dusty Rhodes, either. This is either a testament to how great Ric Flair is or how utterly shit my Grandad was. The rest of the match is made for me by watching Finlay stiffing people and then I’m brought back down by half man half filing cabinet Bobby Lashley doing everything awkwardly and making people look like shit. RVD wins.
2007’s outing is mainly notable for being CM Punks‘ first MITB match and Jeff Hardy‘s insanely harsh looking arse drop on Edge from the top of the ladder. Genuinely wince inducing. That’s about it. I don’t know why but every other big spot looks incredibly sloppy apart from anything done to consummate fuck-my-body professionals Matt & Jeff Hardy. Oh, Hornswoggle gets involved and Mr. Kennedy wins.
2008 starts off with MVP stiffing everyone. Everyone. After that it all spills outside to set up for John Morrisson‘s batshit crazy moonsault while holding a ladder, what follows is a bit of brawling just to bide some time before John Morrisson’s follow up bit of parkour fuckery. I want to stop talking about him now, have done ever since I saw him warming up in an empty arena doing free running on YouTube which nearly made me choke to death on my own bile, but I’m a professional and I’ll continue in a very half arsed manner. After that there’s a few highspots, people fall off ladders, Jericho was really good (I might have well just told you the sun will rise tomorrow) and then CM Punk wins.
2009, dear reader, is where I started losing it a bit. Every single match began to look exactly the same – how many more times can I write: ‘starts by brawling, plancha, high spot off a ladder, somebody wins.” Don’t get me wrong, I love Money In The Bank matches, I really do, but 13 of them in a row? It’s so formulaic and I began zoning out. So I don’t bore you AND myself I am going to skip to the last 2 years, 2012 & 2013.
First up for the RAW briefcase in 2012 which is made infinitely more entertaining by having Booker T on commentary. Remember when they had Bill Cosby talking to a child about Pokemon on the Simpsons? …yeah. That. It begins with all out Big Show dominance until he is ganged up on, takes an AA from John Cena through the announcers table (Spanish, of course) and is then buried by about 3 ladders which can’t be too heavy and keep falling off his huge, bulking water bed frame, anyway. The Miz is the next recipient of an all out beating and gets a ladder dropped on his face which gave me a dull erection wordlessly pressing into my inner thigh. A bit after that Big Show retrieves that huge, reinforced ladder from under the ring, unfortunately, the commentary has been edited as, in the original broadcast and now immortalised in Botchamania, Jerry Lawler actually says, “That’s a big fuckin’ ladder.” John Cena wins.
Next up is the Smackdown case from the same year. Now, when I watched this live I was terrified Tensai was going to get it seeing as he was the only ‘big man’ in there, it was populated, mainly with wrestlers like Santino and Tyson Kidd. Understand my fears? Luckily, it was also populated by the all round incredible bastard Dolph Ziggler stealing the show. Really. He sold Tensai’s throw over the commentary desk like a Polio sufferer made entirely of matchsticks stood next to jet engine. His win and subsequent cash in are still some of my favourite moments from this era of wrestling.
Now the Smackdown case from 2013 is an odd one – all wrestlers involved are heels, but seeing as you’re reading this on the internet, I can only conclude that you think that that very fact makes it perfect, John Cena should turn heel and he can’t wrestle, everyone else ever should also turn heel, Triple H buries talent constantly and you’re an unbearable tosspot. Anyway, back to the business as hand – this match is incredible. Really innovative spots for the first time in a few years mainly thanks to Cesaro‘s super human strength and balance, Dean Ambrose‘s oddball brain and Jack Swagger… um… turning up on time? To be fair to Swagger he is another Alberto Del Rio in my eyes, incredibly talented in the ring but for some reason his work never excites me. At the end it looked like it was going to be Cody Rhodes’ night completely clearing house only to be screwed over by his tag team partner, Damien Sandow. Sandow would then go on to have the least uninspired run with the briefcase only to cash it in and lose on an episode of Raw.
The Raw match was something I was looking forward, namely for Rob Van Dams return, I had always been a huge fan and that means a lot seeing as I have to overlook the fact he normally struts to the ring covered in dragons and fucking Yin-Yangs. Thankfully I don’t think they could fit the skeleton playing a flaming guitar on his already muddled singlet. Anyway, I digress. This was another cracking match, RVD was a Tasmanian Devil like character pulling off all the moves that made him popular. Sheamus then gets pissy with him for buggering up the ladder pushing spot and stiffs him and, for some reason Christian, apparently breaking his tooth. The match culminates in Paul Heyman screwing over CM Punk putting a final nail in the coffin of Punk being interesting that year. Randy Orton wins and then makes the IWC cry later that year at Summerslam.
Overall this is a great package with, mainly, incredible matches. I’d recommend it, just don’t watch it all in one sitting, your brain will start to leak out of your ear.
