If you came here expecting to read an article full of hate directed at Cena you’re in the wrong place. Whereas I’m not a fan, I’m not gonna waste internet space wishing a career ending injury on him or rickets on his children, besides, there’s enough of those articles online to choke a Sarlacc. I’m here instead to waste internet space by reviewing an out of date, meagre collection of 4 matches spanning from 2008 – 2011 sold at full price or, probably, £2.50 in your local CEX.
John Cena vs. Chris Jericho, as played by Gordon Ramsey, is first up and obviously is a corker, anything Jericho gets in, with the exception of Kelly Kelly, is improved ten fold. Jericho as a heel is my favourite – he’s one of the few who actually changes how he wrestles depending on whether he’s a heel or babyface, move set becomes dirtier – more chokes and underhanded tactics which is how a heel should be instead of just growing their facial a bit more, grunting and making angry faces. But I doubt I need to sell Jericho to anybody reading this, it’s a good match, inventive reversals, unfortunately just an anticlimactic finish.
The triple threat with Shawn Michaels & Triple H is great, quite a few things took me by surprise in this match which is quite a feat seeing as I’m a hugely cynical tosser. Lots of good back and forth, few high spots to isolate someone, an announcers table gets smashed, finishers actually ‘from outta nowhere’ and more near falls than the last 5 minutes of Rod Hull’s life. Genuinely thrilling start to finish.
3rd match is from a Monday Night Raw facing Randy Orton who has overdone the fake tan and grease to such a degree that he looks like Spike Milligan in Curry & Chips. What’s at stake in this match is the Slammy award for Superstar of the Year, so the stakes could be far, far higher. The whole affair is very brief and clumsy – every bump Cena takes couldn’t be less graceful or undignified, almost as if someone has pulled his stool out from under him as he tried to sit down
Last but least is the triple threat cage match at Extreme Rules between John Cena, John Morrisson and defending champ, The Miz. If professional wrestling was a brand new cream carpet then The Miz is the dog with worms scooting his shitty arse across it. During his Rock Lite strut to the ring Michael Cole dutifully informs us that this is the 160th day of his title reign. 160 days. At that point I had to pause the DVD and cup my face in my hands to stop my now flowing tears becoming projectile. 160 days. 160. I tried to continue but the whole match was a blur through my waterlogged eyes and the sound of Michael Cole rambling like Tony Schiavone with dementia was drowned out by my caterwauling and sobs. At some point I managed to reclaim some semblance of composure but when I did R Truth was in the ring for no other reason than he fell through a plot hole and that just set me off again. I spent the remainder slumped, awash with misery only getting snapped out of it by John Cena’s entrance music as if it were a dose of smelling salts.
There we have it, The John Cena Superstar Collection, or, ‘a half arsed collection of matches that seems more of a way to fund the cocaine bucket for the WWE Christmas party’ but even I’ll begrudgingly admit that isn’t as catchy. In summary, it’s painfully average with the triple threat being the saving grace.
EDITOR’S NOTE: Adam enclosed an invoice as a PDF file with how much he wants paying for sitting through that cage match. It was a substantial amount of money
