(The Scene: In the wood-and-stone lined kitchen of Mick Jagger’s Richmond home, The Rolling Stones sit around an enormous oval oak table; Keith Richards has his shoes up and is picking gravel out of the soles: Charlie Watts, tight-lipped, is reading a copy of The Independent; Ronnie Wood is playing with a tabby cat on his lap, occasionally pulling its tail. Jagger sets a roast leg of lamb at his end of the table, amongst sprouts, salad, salad dressing and various bottles of red wine and rum.)
Mick Jagger: ‘Alright guys, time to eat. Hope you like it. Keef, careful of the bones.’
Keith Richards: ‘Fuck you, poofter. Hahahahahaha.’
MJ: ‘Alright. I’ll carve. Charlie, what do you reckon about this Glastonbury offer?’
Charlie Watts: ‘What? Oh. Well I don’t know, I’m a bit busy this year, know what I mean?’
MJ: ‘Too busy for Glastonbury? Man, it’s the world’s premier music festival! Have you seen the money on the table?’
KR: ‘ Show us then, you tosser, all I can see is sheep and shoes.’
MJ: ‘Come on, it’s not about the money, is it? Ronnie, how much money have you got these days?’
Ronnie Wood: ‘Fuckin’ loads mate, heheheheh. Whatever you want guys, I’m up for it.’
MJ: ‘Well me too. But are we gig-ready?’
CW: ‘What the fuck are you talking about gig-ready? We haven’t been gig-ready or even compos-mentis for fifty years, why do you give a shit now?’
MJ: ‘God, Charlie, I thought I could rely on you! Alright Keef, do you think we’re gig-ready? Or are you even bothered?’
KR: ‘I just want to play the blues man. Anything as long it’s not that fucking Heavy Stereo shit you were doing with that west-country bint’
MJ: ‘It was SUPER HEAVY, and Joss Stone is a great soul singer! God Keef, you are so unfair sometimes.’
KR: ‘She was fuckin’ crap man. And so were you. Dickhead.’
MJ: ‘Why are you so determined to scupper everything I try to do for you? Can’t you see how much me and Charlie sacrifice, just to make sure you can play, just to keep the name going? You are so ungrateful!’
KR: ‘I don’t care. You can both sod off. Johnny Depp looks after me these days.’
MJ: ‘Johnny Depp is an ACTOR! He can’t play guitar, he doesn’t care about you, hasn’t been wiping your stupid arse for half a century!’
KR: ‘This is about your little knob reference in my book, innit? Just face it, you big nonce.’
MJ: ‘It is NOT about that, I thought we were past that! You just have absolutely no respect, thought for others, or your future! You’re a bloody disgrace!’ (Mick flounces out)
CW: ‘Glastonbury then?’
KR: ‘Course. Not fuckin’ totally stupid, are we? Heheh.’
