The Morning Waffles, with Kelly Southern [Johnny Foreigner]

Well hello there?! Welcome to Series One, Episode Five (There was no pilot, because we’re that fricking sure of ourselves) of The Morning Waffles, and we’ve already had one name change. Does anybody even read this?! Anyway, today’s guest is that nice lady who gives an elegant shimmer to all of your favourite Johnny Foreigner songs. After last week’s Olympic opening ceremony, Kelly’s band-mate Alexei Berrow got himself entangled into a rather heated twitter slash blogosphere scuffle with the world after having a pop at the (one and only) Mr Turner for his appearance in the pre-show festivities. As all you crazy cult fanatics will know, Frank was of course a guest in Series One Episode Three. Personally I think it’s great to see a bit of musical argy-bargy and I shall be inviting the boys in to sit down and have it out, with words of course, on this very blog very soon.

You can read Alexei’s full analytical breakdown here, expect Mr Turner to launch his rebuff soon. I’m certainly not one to take sides, I love all my children equally, but seriously Frank, you are a bit of a dick… Oh he’s going to hate me when he reads this (oh if only). It’s a good job I’m only blogging here ‘cause I need the fucking money (oh, if only). Here goes!

Do you think it’s worse for a court to convict an innocent man or let a guilty man run free?

Oh Jesus. Heavy. Can I tell you what my favourite animal is instead? It’s a lion. Fun fact: you can hear a lion’s roar from 5 miles away.

Is the Eurovision song contest a demonstration that democracy doesn’t work?

The Eurovision song contest isn’t a demonstration of anything useful or important, and it is undoubtedly a trashy cover for political Handbags At 20 Paces. It’s irrelevant and hugely embarrassing. I didn’t realise I had such strong feelings about the subject, but I do I feel a lot better for being able to vent! Thanks for playing an unintentional psychiatrist.

Favourite jungle to inhabit?

Can I count the bush in my neighbour’s garden when I was five? I used to hide in there and I thought it was massive. Turns out I was just very small.

The conspiracy theory I have the most belief in is…

Does famous people not being dead count? I have reason to believe Michael Jackson is totally still alive. Same for Amy Winehouse. They just couldn’t be arsed to hack the music industry any more and when they realised they could make more money playing dead, they ‘died’. True story! I think. I saw Elvis in h&m once too.

That’s not a true story.

Is the sport of boxing immoral?

People punching each other of their own volition? Immoral? No. Horse riding is some cruel shit though. Would quite like to see jockey riding, where the horse sits in the back of the rider and whips the bejesus out of them and makes them jump over obstacles. Ouchy!

Are some animals worth saving over others?

Lions over all others.

Why do we celebrate New Years?

My answer is, I don’t. I suppose the obvious reason why people do is: if they didn’t, they’d be sitting there reflecting, thinking, what have I achieved? Have I made a difference to someone or something? Am I happier or better off than I was a year ago? And I don’t think the Samaritans are that well staffed to cope so everyone gets pissed instead. ALTERNATIVE (happy) ANSWER: we want to congratulate ourselves for everything we have achieved in the year and toast the dawn of a new one. By getting heinously drunk. And it’s great. Apparently.

‘The Morning Waffles’ will be back next week with another extra-special guest, read last week’s (amazing) chat with Ben Marwood here.